Sunday, February 11, 2007 8:34 PM
i did another stupid mistake ytrd. its my stupidity.
tis time i felt so confused. so lost. juz wat m i supposed to do?
i felt so sad. i duno why. cried hard in my heart. felt so guilty seeing things being like tis.
i was lost in words other than juz saying 'sorry'. i didnt know wat to do.
sometimes i juz feel tat im juz at the wrong place, wrong time n with the wrong person. i can be vv happy n cheerful at times. but i always make many stupid mistakes n hurt ppl's heart. i dnt wanna. i reali dnt wish to. but...i duno... mayb i juz dnt understand too many tings.
i tend to think alot too. n sometimes these juz creats troubles. i would always ask for help from ppl n friends.
but now..i think i should not. as my friends said:" some things are supposed to be kept n known for urself."
but im always in a lost n duno wat to do... why m i like tis? now i have so many so many questions in my mind. i wish to juz spell it out all. but i cnt. i juz cant bring it out.
today in tuition..
i sat there. thinking much n much. staring into the blank space. totally lost. nth went in. except for the music which were playing in my ears. i have my reason. music are still my best 'partner'. i tot to myself...mayb i myself was getting mundane of tis life. i always smile in front...keeping myself happy. but. its was all a fake front. i feel like scolding n hitting myself. or even banging myself on the wall. ending my life.
on friday, i even asked robert to hit me on the head. it was hard. but pain was not felt in me. i was totally numb.
n there is also a reason why i love 'Bei Ji Xing De Yan Lei' tis song. coz...the music reali is the rhythm in my life. i know many ppl would ask me to cheer up after all. n i would. i promise.
it might also be tat i have seen things too beautiful. which it doesnt supposed to be. but i have always wished tat life could be as happy n lovely as a fairytale. guess tat im wrong then. deeply wronged.
ever since primary sch. i didnt like to lie to others anymore. coz my mum would always punish me whenever i do tat. i still rmb. there was even once tat i got chased out of my house.
but now...when i say the truth, it hurts ppl too. why?
but i think i would onli lie n cheat to one person now n forever, which i hope tat person would have my understandings n forgive me. im sorry if im a letdown to u.
im sorry to u, samantha ker.
if there's no more music in life. firstly rmb...end my life for me. i would be glad n grateful to u.
