Friday, March 06, 2009 12:36 AM
hello sammy's blog readers.
i am truly sorry for invading her little space, again. i need a place to rant so badly. i just wish to be true to myself by voicing these emotions and thoughts i once kept hidden within my well-guarded chamber. right now my conscience is in a chaos. the damn stone i threw shattered the stabilty of my life, my her life and definitely his life. paranoia, self doubt, selfishness, regret have slowly, but surely, conqured my once decent self, the once colourful land of mine, ruling tremendously over the repressed goodness within myself. i hate to admit it but it seems or feels as it i am hating myself for who i have become, i hate myself.
i regret many of the things i have said and done. i lost so many friends, many of whom i regret losing. i have lost those with whom i could find empathy and comfort, whose beliefs once aligned with my own. although i accepted that, with passing time, these connections become detached and misaligned, worst is, i foolishly allowed myself to completely sever these connections. honestly. i wish many of whom i lost were still my friends. i did wrong, repaying their kindness towards me with cold rejection. to those i have wronged or hurt, i apologise. i am truly sorry.
i feel as if i have lost myself. i had anticipated, even felt it, but i could not admit it until it had physicaly carried its course. i figure that i cannot irresponsibly hide behind self-comforting reasoning, however, i believe it was inescapable. one huge flaw about me is i could never learn until i had personally experienced my downfall. yet upon realising the potential for darkness in my heart, it beats me if i have learnt the lesson i have been taught.
i wonder if i am still capable of rediscovering the good within myself. perhaps i deserve to continually bear the guilt and responsiblity for my own actions. i guess it just takes time to get over it.
love,
acyh
